Question to the Wise Guy: Setting Boundaries

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Dear WiseGuy,

How can one delicately suggest to a friend that he/she is overstepping your personal boundaries. Thank-you,

Nieda Steppingstone

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Dear Nieda,

All our relationships, with family, friends, colleagues etc. test our Boundaries! Like a nation’s borders, our boundaries exist so that we can know what is ours and what is not. In Energy terms, they help us to define and own our space, as well as respect the space of others. We can then experience more clarity and flow with others.

In your question, you use the word “delicately,” which suggests that you may be someone who wants to “please” others. As a result, you give up space to others. “Pleasers” are more concerned about being “nice” rather than being “clear.” Consider whether you want “delicate” boundaries, or “clear” boundaries? By opting for clear boundaries, you will not be left feeling unappreciated, taken for granted and ultimately resentful, as often happens when we opt for being nice. Here is a 3 step process which provides a firm foundation for establishing healthy boundaries:

3 Steps for Better Boundaries

1. First, ask yourself, “Am I feeling victimized and wanting to blame, or am I sincerely wanting to find a Solution?” Answering this honestly is key because too often, we ourselves lack clear, defined boundaries. We then resent it when others do not appear to honor them. We feel “unjustly” invaded and therefore victimized. We then react and attack rather than seek a Solution. 

2. Second, focus in on what part of yourself “allowed” your boundaries to be overstepped. Use self-reflection and meditation as tools to identify where you drew erroneous conclusions, which no longer serve you in owning your space. Learn to identify, reframe & heal those thoughts and experiences which compel you to dishonor your own boundaries. In so doing, your Energy will shift and you will attract fewer invasive situations.

3. Only after having done your homework in becoming aware and truthful to yourself about your role in this dynamic, proceed to communicate this to the other. Use the first person, that is “I” instead of “You!” Express your feelings and seek a Solution without taking responsibility for how the other person receives it. You can only be responsible for where you are coming from. Then it is up to them to either support you and the relationship by shifting, or choosing to move on. In either case, you will feel clear and empowered.

Namaste,

The WiseGuy!